You Wouldn't Want to be a Roman Gladiator! But you might want to read about it

You Wouldn't Want to be a Roman Gladiator! Gory Things You'd Rather Not Know

written by John Malam

illustrated by David Antram

Okay, so I was really, Really, REALLY trying to get away from the books in series, books by the same author, etc. theme that I seem to have going, but I have failed. It turns out that this book by John Malam is in fact part of an extensive series, even though the library record didn't indicate that. The back cover of the book lists three other books in the series, but my dear old ACPL owns at least forty of them. So, yeah, it's a series.

Before I dive in and actually discuss the gladiator book, can I just comment on a couple of the other titles in the series? You Wouldn't Want to be an Egyptian Mummy, You Wouldn't Want to be an Aztec Sacrifice, and You Wouldn't Want to be a Pirate's Prisoner. That is correct, I wouldn't want to be any of those things. Although I personally would also opt out of life as a gladiator, I can imagine a select few people who might choose that as a career option. The larger question is: how do you get so locked into a series title that you feel compelled to write the Aztec sacrifice book? No one ever, anywhere, especially in Mexico, has imagined that they would like to be sacrificed to Huitzilopochtli. You don't need a book to explain the pitfalls of that. There are also titles such as You Wouldn't Want to be Cleopatra (umm... I would give that a shot; hello! Julius Caesar AND Marc Antony) and You Wouldn't Want to be Sir Isaac Newton (yes, please, I could invent calculus!). Anyway, my point is, at some juncture they should have gotten the editorial staff together and thought about a new spin on the series. Maybe something like: "It wasn't as great as you think," or "Any Life Lived Before Antibiotics and Toilet Paper had its Downsides." I'm just spitballing here.

All that aside, I do appreciate the twist that these books are putting on history: they are playing up the gross-out factor as a way to engage young readers. John Malam, besides authoring other "You Wouldn't Want to" titles, does have more positive books about ancient history as part of another series called "Meet the..." (Meet the Incredible Romans, Meet the Ancient Egyptians, etc.). According to the blurb facing the title page, he studied ancient history at the University of Birmingham and worked as an archeologist in Shropshire, so he does have some legit history-writing cred. He has a website, of course, where I learned that he has written more than 200 children's nonfiction books (shades of Don Nardo here), he does a role-playing workshop as a soldier from the First World War, and other school visits (for a fee). Did I mention that someone who role-plays Teddy Roosevelt came to our school last week? This seems like a good time to slip that in. As much as I'd like to make fun of John Malam and the T.R. guy, I could see myself doing that. But cooler.

So at this moment you're wondering if I even read the gladiator book. I did.

The inside cover of the book is a timeline of the Roman Colosseum followed on the next page by a map and description of the Roman Empire at its greatest extent. These are followed by an introduction and twelve chapters explaining how someone might have the misfortune to be enslaved by the Romans and forced to fight as a gladiator. Given the "you wouldn't want to be" theme, it isn't surprising that things are a bit dark in this book. For example, the reader is positioned as a person from Gaul (ancient France) who is captured by the Romans and torn from their family and former life. Pages 6-7 portray cartoon Gauls shouting "I hate Romans" and cartoon Romans shouting "I hate Gauls" as they fight. The not-so-cheery illustrations and captions include things such as: "Weapons: the Romans will destroy your weapons" (p. 6); "Horse and chariot: the Romans will take your horses and smash your chariot" (p. 6); and "Home and family: you may never see them again" (p. 6). Pretty bleak stuff for a book aimed at grades 4-6. As I am teaching the AP Caesar curriculum at the moment, I have to appreciate the accuracy of it all. This book is set about 100 years after Caesar's conquest, but the basic attitude of the Romans towards the Gauls was still ruthlessly exploitative. These were not people (on either side, to be fair) who valued diversity.

So after "you" are capture by the Romans, you progress through a slave market (pp. 8-9) where some of the demeaning details of Roman slavery are outlined including the terrible tasks that many enslaved people were forced to perform to support the Roman citizens. The training and diet of a gladiator are described (pp. 10-13); the Romans had some strange ideas about nutrition (eating ash was thought to be good for people), but they did get some parts right (a high-fiber and protein diet consisting largely of grains and beans was known to keep gladiators fit). After getting into fighting form, you then proceed to the arena (pp. 18-23) where you are killed (p. 28). This is a "you wouldn't want to be" book, after all! Interspersed are brief explanations of the types of gladiators, other forms of fighting that were presented, and even an overview of the mock naval battles that were put on from time to time. Malam finishes the book off with a glossary, an index, and a few pages on Roman life more generally. All in all, a child reading this book would certainly have a better understanding of the harsh life of a gladiator and a glimpse into Roman culture. 

In researching the author, I came across a website that supports the series: YouWouldn'tWantToBe.com

It features four of the books in digital form (including the gladiator title), resources for teachers (activity sheets, notes, classroom plays), and a "Don't Click" tab that has more gross-you-out facts for kids to enjoy about nasty food, dangerous places, and slightly naughty jokes. This would certainly be a great extension activity for teachers who used one of the books or for parents whose kids were really into them.

Even though I don't love the approach, there is a lot to like about the information presented and the engaging style of this book.


Malam, John. You Wouldn't Want to Be a Roman Gladiator! Gory Things You'd Rather Not
    Know. Franklin Watts, 2012.

accelerated reader AR MG 5 1 153469